The Changed Life of Mister Guzma
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Mister Guzma's days of being an evil Team Skull leader are gone! He is a changed man! He tries to make it up to the people of Alola by throwing a party...which goes horribly wrong. Contains: diarrhea, dead Pokémon, vomit, a blender and Pyukumuku.


After his venture into the UB world, Mister Guzma was a changed man. He realised just how lame and pathetic he and Team Skull had been and set out to change this. He ran back to his decrepit mansion in Po Town and started screaming when he saw that one of his grunts had altered the sign to say 'Poo Town'. Mi

"No! Guzma! What type of low-lying are you enjoying!" He hollered as he gnawed on his own arm. He was about to rage at the nearest grunt - who was busy lying on the floor surrounded by liquor bottles - but he realised that he was a changed man and raging would not fit in with his new image. Also his good jeans were about to rip and he thought getting angry would make them rip completely like the Incredible Hulk...so he avoided doing this. He spoke on a crazed voice whilst waving his arms around to get everyone's attention.

"We have been really terrible criminals and we've caused suffering to people and the environment! We're ALL responsible! Even ME! We're going to make up for our crap by throwing the biggest malasada party Alola has ever seen. First though, we need to find out exactly what a malasada is." He marched with purpose towards the mansion yelling at grunts to follow him and throwing fruit at them from his secret fruit fanny-pack.

"Boss I thought you said you were going to be nice now..." Started a grunt.

"GAAAAARRRRHHH!" Replied Guzma as he marched to his throne and ascended the steps to his seat.

"Now get it into your thick skulls! We're good now. No more stupid skull bandanas over our faces! No more ghetto-dancing! And no more charging people to use the Pokémon center!" Guzma stated matter-of-factly.

"But boss..." The grunt was silenced with a glare from Guzma and a banana was thrown at his face.

"No backchat! From now on you will make money respectably! You will help old ladies across the non-busy roads! You will help get old men their morning coffee so they do not block the road like what happened in Kanto! You will feed the Spearow rather than eat the Spearow! You will help tidy trash and feed it to the Grimer, as opposed to feeding the Grimer to the trashcans like you used to do! You will throw the Pyukumuku back into the sea instead of at innocent bystanders! You will get lemonade for thirsty policemen do they don't block off the road again!"

The rant went on for over an hour and highlighted all of Team Skull's previous misdemeanours. When he finally finished Guzma took in the scene before him. Every grunt was asleep on the floor and snoring loudly. Guzma stormed out of the mansion slamming the door loudly behind him and yelling, "Do good deeds, yo!"

Guzma went on a quest of enlightenment. The folks on this island loved food and their favoritewas malasada. He would throw them a party and cook bucket loads of malasada to impress them and let them know he was a changed man. He got as far as the toilet before he needed to go and relieve himself. Two days passed and then he was back on the journey!

It was then that Mister Guzma realized...he didn't know what a malasada was! He'd had a deprived childhood as his parents did not believe in food and therefore he had survived on worms and stuff he stole from the local farmer as a result. His mind went back to the only class he'd ever attended at school - Spanish. Malasada sounded awfully like 'ensalada'. It must be a SALAD! Great! Mister Guzma started thinking of all the different plants he could stuff into a salad and dived into a nearby bush, getting attacked by a Rattata as he did so.

He tried his best to pick a selection of plants that he assumed were edible. Of course he forgot that most of the plants were actually Pokémon and he was attacked by an Oddish and a Petilil as he tried to stuff then into a blender to make a dip. They stopped struggling the further he rammed them in, which was good. Soon he had amassed a large malasada purée full of nutrition. Now he just needed leaves to put the purée on.

He sent out his goons to pick grass and other green things - because if Pokémon ate them, they had to be edible...right? Carefully he took the purée back to the mansion and began preparations. He hung some Mimikyu and Slowpokes around the place to try and make it look cheery and made his grunts move the car from the middle of Po town. It went on fire as soon as it was started so they decided just to use it as a makeshift barbeque. They barbequed the salad leaves before tossing them into the purée, hearing screams of Cottonees and Roselias as they burned to a crisp.

Now all they needed to do was set a table. They dragged several pieces of furniture together and threw a rag over them as a tablecloth. He put some ice-cream out as a starter...but the ice-cream cones kept crying and trying to run away so he was forced to scoop out their innards and discard the cones. He also blended up two Pyukumuku as he thought the salad needed more moisture; he sprinkled their gooey innards around liberally.

Then Mister Guzma looked at the salad and raged! There was no protein in it! So he hard boiled some Exeggcute and added them in and made an accompanying fruit salad using Cherubi and Steenee.

Finally it was time for the guests to arrive. This was dreadful timing as two grunts were still unblocking the toilet from when Mister Guzma had spent two days in there. Everyone had come: Professor Oak's cousin, Professor Kukui, Hau, Hala, Olivia, Mister Looker, Lillie, Gladion, Hapu and Kiawe the fire guy.

"Hey guys!" Said Mister Guzma, trying not to do his Team Skull dance and instead looking like he was suffering epic constipation, "We're sorry for all the bad crap we did as Team Skull and to show you that I am a changed man here's a buffet! Help yourselves!"

Everyone mingled and helped themselves. They were very confused as they could see no malasada, but there was a huge spread of something resembling salad on the table. They shrugged, not wanting to offend, and ate some of the glistening green glop. Hau are ten portions as he was determined to uncover the malasada beneath the salad!

Within ten minutes it was apparent that Mister Guzma had failed again. The following had occurred:

*Several people had run off to the bathroom (where the toilet was still blocked) with rapid and violent diarrhea spewing out of their anuses.

*Lillie had screamed and vomited at the same time when she had bitten into an Oddish foot that had obviously missed the blender. People started to run in fright as they realised that evil Guzma had fed them Pokémon that weren't usually eaten, including some endangered species. The vomit was contagious and soon everyone who wasn't crapping themselves unconscious was doing it.

*The two liquidized Pyukumuku had reconstituted themselves by joining innards and had formed one humungous, transparent Pyukumuku which was full of bits of salad and trapped vomit from where Lillie had puked. It gradually started to move away, dragging itself with its innards-hand and smacking people on the bottom for revenge. It was a vindictive little squishbag.

*Diarrhea began to fill the mansion and several grunts drowned.

*The hanging Slowpokes and Mimikyu strangled and people were shocked by their corpses which now hung rotting in the heat and with maggots in them. One grunt thought that a hanging Mimikyu was a piñata and hit it with a baseball bat, showering maggots and stuff all over himself. He died of toxic shock syndrome immediately.

The guests all fled whilst propelling themselves with diarrhea. Kukui reminded Mister Guzma that good guys don't normally make their party guests feast on endangered Pokémon or give them gastroenteritis.

Mister Guzma was left standing alone and covered in poop. His mansion was a huge pool of crap and dead Pokémon hung everywhere, adding to the stench. He felt himself heave and puke splashed all over his feet. Maggots wriggled through a mixture of vomity-poop. He stormed off to clean out the mansion.

This was the terrible start to his changed life.

The end.


End file.
